Saturday, April 28, 2007

Revelation And Realtree



"I was caught up into the third heaven on the Lord's day," which of course is every day he gives us. I passed pillars of stone, through automated doors, and into - the smell of hunting - new hunting! A grizzly at full stance greeted me, tables of labeled hats and t-shirts surrounded me, and to my left and right were the keys of untold wonder - Customer Service! From every column protruded a moose, a caribou, or an elk. In lines on the wall, in all directions, majestic trophy whitetail deer, with huge B & C or P & Y numbers posted below them, and if I squinted hard, I could see "Taken by Mike Root in 19__ or 20__". The streets of gold lead to a wildlife museum, a gun collection, and aquarium and other mansions on the hilltop. The walls were Realtree Hardwood, the curtains Mossy Oak, and Seclusion 3D was everywhere. There were racks and racks of camo cloths of every shape, size, fabric, and purpose to touch, feel, try on and visualize on your body - or just hanging in your closet. Clothing to impress the most discriminating of wildlife. There's no excuse for anyone to not be Critter Chic upon entering the forest his coming season. Each turn brought all new sections of the Master Catalog into reality. Hunting boots, camping gear, fishing stuff, and the new toys - ATV accessories! Rows of bino's and GPS's, tons of wild game cooking possibilities, and a wall of rifles from muzzle load to auto load, which I pass in a blur as I saw the Holy Grill of hunting sections - the archery shop. Tree stands in the air, Leafy wear waving, Scentlok unnoticed, 3D targets posing, and rows of little add-ons that every bowhunter must think about. Blinds, rain gear, camo underwear, and, and, and, more STUFF than any hunting lodge could possibly hold. The Fort Knox of gear! The Mt. Everest of accumulation! The Mecca of outdoorism! The Wonderland of wilderness possibilities! The ultimate Visa workout center! And I left it empty handed - but I'm making a list and checking it twice - and looking forward to being naughty and nice!

4 comments:

Me said...

Sort of like YOUR version of Disney World, huh?????

Chad said...

Ahhhh...with those visions I shall sleep good tonight!

Kev said...

What a masterful wordsmith!! Not only can the guy whack a trophy, he can, in Shakespearian-style describe the Mecca of manly-hood! Cabela’s needs a copy of this!
By the way, we hung Brian’s mulie trophy in his office this afternoon.

elizabeth said...

Wonderfully written....I agree that you should send it to Cabela's. I have a feeling that I know where you and Chad will be hanging out next time we come for a visit. By the sound of it, I'm sure Carter will love it, too!