I resisted the urge to comment on my daughter Elizabeth's blog when she wrote about self-esteem because I knew I couldn't do a short comment. I have been fascinated by the news reports and the response of others to the new research that shows the emphasis on building self-esteem in children has led many children to lack self-control, especially as they become college aged young adults. How can it possibly be wrong to encourage your children, to build them up, to want them to experience winning, and to want them to feel good about themselves? Hey, I was teaching the importance of self-esteem to teens in a teen seminar twenty-five years ago! And I can guarantee you that every Root-kid got plenty of positive reinforcement that they were important, talented, and supported completely by family and friends. Remember the three key elements of self-esteem are significance, security, and capable. We gave all three. BUT, like everything in life, there are limits and there must be balance. So I offer these two observations.
First, as we raise our children to feel good about their victories, we must, I repeat MUST, allow them to fail and learn to cope with it without it destroying how they feel about themselves. That starts by teaching them to live with "NO!" Everything can't be "wonderful," and they can't always win or get their way. In fact, a smart parent will look for appropriate times to make sure that happens and that it can be a training experience.
Second, and most important, the only true balance comes from knowing God. He is the only one who can give totally healthy self-esteem. It's called grace! It declares us valuable and important to Him, and at the same time totally unworthy to receive such love. If we don't help our children experience His love, his disappointment with our sin, and his complete forgiveness, they will grow up thinking the world rotates around them, and that's a sad world for anyone to live in. We need to help our children, as well as ourselves, get our self-esteem from Him not man.
It never really was SELF-esteem, but rather GOD-esteem. Then we can figure out who comes before the "control".
3 comments:
I remember a sermon long ago--I can know that God made me, I came from Him and thru Christ I am made perfect, and I am going back to Him--maybe not self-esteem (because it humbles me) but self worth.
Three things that our preschool director and church friend, Pat, has said that I love are:
1. Pray for consequences for your children.
2. Let your children see you in the Word.
3. Her favorite phrase: Prepare your child for the path and not the path for your child.
Her favorite phrase has had such an impact on my parenting, in what I do (or don't do) for my children. I know my kids are young, but I believe what they learn now is how they think the world works. Sometimes (most of the time) I need to say "no" just so my children don't get everything they want. That's real life! Also, Carter doesn't need me to "fix" everything when it goes wrong. Sometimes he has to experience the pain and disappointment, even though it is probably harder for me to watch than it is for him to endure. (No, I've not been through the teenage years...pray for me now.) Bottom line, though, I want my children to know without a doubt that they are special because God loves them. That's it. God made them worthy, not Mommy, Daddy, or friends.
Okay, can you come and talk to our elementary and teen parents TODAY! We are really struggling with some poor parenting styles in our ministry and these parents are not seeing the repercussions of it until their child's junior or senior year of high school (can anyone say 'driver's license'?). Too many kiddos rule their roost from day one because parents are scared to say the word "no" and give them a healthy dose of real life. I remember someone that I really respect telling me when I was a teenager,"You know, my mother told me that she gave me way too many restrictions as a child and to try to avoid saying 'no' so much to my own children." In my head (even as an immature teenager) I thought, "Oh, so THAT'S why your kids act that way!!"
I am praying today that my children will see me make mistakes and apologize for them and for God to grant me the patience to let my own children make mistakes and learn from them, even if that means the consequences are more than I can bear.
Thanks, Dad, for making me think...once again.
p.s. Okay, I know I'm a cat-person, but that puppy picture is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen!
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